SCola Wars

Last week, while working at Campus Cruiser as a phone operator, I went out to get myself an ice-cold soft drink from the vending machines located just outside the office doors. To my surprise, the vending machines were missing! I walked across the street to Parking Structure A where I knew more machines were located. Empty space. After stopping into the DPS offices - located in PSA - and speaking with a friendly officer, I was schooled on the history of cola on campus.

In the summer of 1992, Los Angeles was ravaged with crime and looting. The LA city riots had just taken place, and, although the USC campus was spared from the devastation, the students were shaken and afraid. USC searched desperately for a way to keep current students from transferring and to attract new students to our beautiful school. After searching for a year, a lowly janitor had the solution: sever all ties with Coke and bring Pepsi to campus! After working day and night for an entire weekend, it was so and all was good.

Fast forward 11 years. USC is on the verge of winning consecutive National Championships in football. On the verge of winning our third straight championship in women's volleyball. We just won our sixth Heisman trophy. We're about to open brand new buildings for the first time in years and ground has been broken on our state-of-the-art, multi-million dollar Galen Events Center. Our incoming classes are the brightest that USC has ever seen and we've gone up in the ranking every single year for the past nine years. Alumni donations are up and we've recently received some of the biggest and most prestigious monetary awards that a university has ever seen. Things are up for this university and those who walk its hallowed halls. That is why, today, my friends, was one of the darkest days I have ever experienced as a student at this fine university, for at 1:48 this afternoon, I received the following text message:

"THEY REPLACED ALL THE VENDING MACHINES WITH COKE MACHINES"

After a week of rumors and not a vending machine in sight, USC has effectively ended its fortuitous relationship with Pepsi. No more Mountain Dew. No more Gatorade. No...more...Wild Cherry. Instead, we will be subjected to the likes of C2 and Powerade. And although USC may be in the best position of its 125 year history, campus will not be the same. Pepsi, you will be missed.